{"title":"Funny \/ General","description":"","products":[{"product_id":"howdy-welcome-mat","title":"Howdy Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eSomewhere, a focus group is being told that \"Howdy\" tested well. We did not consult that focus group.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Howdy\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEach one is laser-engraved by a machine that takes its job far more seriously than it needs to. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAvailable in Standard and Large sizes, because commitment levels vary and we don't judge.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48771833725111,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48771833757879,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/002-howdy_flat.jpg?v=1782798701"},{"product_id":"go-away-welcome-mat","title":"Go Away Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eWe asked ourselves, \"does the world need a doormat that says 'Go Away'?\" We did not wait for an answer.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Go Away\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWithstands rain, snow, and the existential weight of being stepped on daily by people who didn't read the label. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTwo sizes available: Standard, for the modest, and Large, for the main character energy.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48771847422135,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48771847454903,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/003-go-away-humor_flat.jpg?v=1782799062"},{"product_id":"did-you-call-first-welcome-mat","title":"Did You Call First? 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We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTwo sizes available: Standard, for the modest, and Large, for the main character energy.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48771855515831,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48771855548599,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/005-did-you-call-first_flat.jpg?v=1782799503"},{"product_id":"go-away-unless-food-packages-welcome-mat","title":"Go Away Unless Food\/Packages Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eWe asked ourselves, \"does the world need a doormat that says 'Go Away Unless You Have Food or Packages'?\" We did not wait for an answer.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Go Away Unless You Have Food or Packages\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBuilt to survive monsoons, mailmen, raccoons, and at least one passive-aggressive HOA newsletter. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAvailable in Standard and Large sizes, because commitment levels vary and we don't judge.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48771856531639,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48771856564407,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/004-go-away-unless-foodpackages_flat.jpg?v=1782799537"},{"product_id":"live-laugh-leave-welcome-mat","title":"Live Laugh Leave Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eSomewhere, a focus group is being told that \"Live Laugh Leave\" tested well. We did not consult that focus group.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Live Laugh Leave\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWithstands rain, snow, and the existential weight of being stepped on daily by people who didn't read the label. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTwo sizes available: Standard, for the modest, and Large, for the main character energy.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48771880419511,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48771880452279,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/014-live-laugh-leave_flat.jpg?v=1782800230"},{"product_id":"welcome-to-the-madness-welcome-mat","title":"Welcome to the Madness Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003ePicture a guest reading \"Welcome to the Madness\" on your doorstep, pausing, and quietly reassessing your whole personality. Now buy this mat.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Welcome to the Madness\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWithstands rain, snow, and the existential weight of being stepped on daily by people who didn't read the label. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes in Standard and Large -- pick Large if you want the joke to land from the street.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48771882025143,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48771882057911,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/011-welcome-to-the-madness_flat.jpg?v=1782800297"},{"product_id":"welcome-welcome-mat","title":"Welcome Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eWe asked ourselves, \"does the world need a doormat that says 'Welcome'?\" We did not wait for an answer.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Welcome\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWithstands rain, snow, and the existential weight of being stepped on daily by people who didn't read the label. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAvailable in Standard and Large sizes, because commitment levels vary and we don't judge.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48773734334647,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48773734367415,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/001-welcome-classic-script_flat.jpg?v=1782839614"},{"product_id":"you-shall-not-pass-welcome-mat","title":"You Shall Not Pass Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eWe asked ourselves, \"does the world need a doormat that says 'You Shall Not Pass'?\" We did not wait for an answer.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"You Shall Not Pass\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBuilt to survive monsoons, mailmen, raccoons, and at least one passive-aggressive HOA newsletter. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes in Standard and Large -- pick Large if you want the joke to land from the street.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48773736333495,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48773736366263,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/008-you-shall-not-pass_flat.jpg?v=1782839635"},{"product_id":"come-back-with-a-warrant-welcome-mat","title":"Come Back With a Warrant Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003e\"Come Back with a Warrant\" -- words so powerful they had to be lasered into coconut fiber for posterity.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Come Back with a Warrant\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEach one is laser-engraved by a machine that takes its job far more seriously than it needs to. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes in Standard and Large -- pick Large if you want the joke to land from the street.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48773743771831,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48773743804599,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/006-come-back-with-a-warrant_flat.jpg?v=1782839729"},{"product_id":"welcome-ish-welcome-mat","title":"Welcome-ish Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003ePicture a guest reading \"Welcome-ish, Depends Who You Are\" on your doorstep, pausing, and quietly reassessing your whole personality. Now buy this mat.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Welcome-ish, Depends Who You Are\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBuilt to survive monsoons, mailmen, raccoons, and at least one passive-aggressive HOA newsletter. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTwo sizes available: Standard, for the modest, and Large, for the main character energy.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48773751701687,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48773751734455,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/012-welcome-ish-depends-who-you-are_flat.jpg?v=1782839821"},{"product_id":"yay-youre-here-welcome-mat","title":"Yay You're Here Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eThis mat says \"Yay You're Here.\" That's really all there is to it, and yet here we are, several paragraphs deep.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Yay You're Here\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTested rigorously by absolutely nobody in a lab, but extremely confidently by us in our heads. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes in Standard and Large -- pick Large if you want the joke to land from the street.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48774844317879,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48774844350647,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/016-yay-youre-here_flat.jpg?v=1782871460"},{"product_id":"bless-this-mess-welcome-mat","title":"Bless This Mess Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eThis mat says \"Bless This Mess.\" That's really all there is to it, and yet here we are, several paragraphs deep.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Bless This Mess\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBuilt to survive monsoons, mailmen, raccoons, and at least one passive-aggressive HOA newsletter. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTwo sizes available: Standard, for the modest, and Large, for the main character energy.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48851372900535,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48851372933303,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/013-bless-this-mess_flat.jpg?v=1783395326"},{"product_id":"no-admittance-except-on-party-business-welcome-mat","title":"No Admittance Except on Party Business Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003e\"No Admittance Except on Party Business\" -- words so powerful they had to be lasered into coconut fiber for posterity.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"No Admittance Except on Party Business\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEach one is laser-engraved by a machine that takes its job far more seriously than it needs to. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes in Standard and Large -- pick Large if you want the joke to land from the street.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48851378241719,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48851378274487,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/010-no-admittance-except-on-party-business_flat.jpg?v=1783395481"},{"product_id":"one-does-not-simply-walk-into-my-door-welcome-mat","title":"One Does Not Simply Walk Into My Door Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003ePicture a guest reading \"One Does Not Simply Walk Into My Door\" on your doorstep, pausing, and quietly reassessing your whole personality. Now buy this mat.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"One Does Not Simply Walk Into My Door\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWithstands rain, snow, and the existential weight of being stepped on daily by people who didn't read the label. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes in Standard and Large -- pick Large if you want the joke to land from the street.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48851381813431,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48851381878967,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/009-one-does-not-simply-walk-into-my-door_flat.jpg?v=1783395546"},{"product_id":"wipe-your-paws-welcome-mat","title":"Wipe Your Paws Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003e\"Wipe Your Paws\" -- words so powerful they had to be lasered into coconut fiber for posterity.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Wipe Your Paws\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTested rigorously by absolutely nobody in a lab, but extremely confidently by us in our heads. 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We won't tell them otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eComes in Standard and Large -- pick Large if you want the joke to land from the street.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Bespoke Matters","offers":[{"title":"Standard","offer_id":48851383386295,"sku":null,"price":25.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Large","offer_id":48851383419063,"sku":null,"price":30.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0705\/9524\/8311\/files\/017-wipe-your-paws_flat.jpg?v=1783395658"},{"product_id":"shoes-off-please-welcome-mat","title":"Shoes Off Please Welcome Mat","description":"\u003cp\u003eWe asked ourselves, \"does the world need a doormat that says 'Shoes Off Please'?\" We did not wait for an answer.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is the \u003cstrong\u003e\"Shoes Off Please\"\u003c\/strong\u003e Welcome Mat from Bespoke Matters: laser-engraved (never printed, never fading, never apologizing) into a durable, weather-resistant coir mat that will outlast at least two of your relationships and one houseplant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEach one is laser-engraved by a machine that takes its job far more seriously than it needs to. Perfect for the kind of household that peaked comedically at the front door and has nowhere else to go but down.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIndoor\/outdoor use, non-slip backing, and a finish crisp enough that people will assume you have your life more together than you do. 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